And then he came to me
Looking like nothing on earth
And everything changed
Cleansed, baptised,
Ready for a new day

Lost.

I lost him today.

The third goodbye endured

This more final than those before.

Holding each other at Bethnal Green

He topped up two fifty to watch me keel

From under him, as my legs numbed;

To stand locked in embrace, exchanging bullshit "I love you"s

Stealing tender kisses, pulling each other closer and closer still

Only to turn and walk away

I couldn't say Goodbye

Losing

Like cutting off a piece of me,

It's going to break my heart.

It's going to break his heart.

Our love burns slowly, tenderly, deeply.

I ache and clarity absconds somehow

The deeper felt, the further gone, the more to lose.

But this is not what good love feels like

It doesn't stand correct and redeeming

It doesn't rise from slurried remains, phoenix-like

This love is jutting, unkempt,

Perilous

and yet so true.

Inhaling deep in the crook of his neck -

In my heart I am home;

In my heart I am not.

He moves with me

But nothing is resolved

He buries his head

Stagnation abounds.

He will not give me what I want,

Yet he can not let me go.

My heart breaks open, red raw.

Wreckage

He is taking time to 'think'

I asked him to

I already know what he will say

It will not be good.

I'm being strong, methodical

DO NOT CRY

I write in caps on my hand.

And I don't.

And as my heart shatters in to a thousand shards

I keep smiling

He said he couldn't put his finger on it

Everything was perfect

But there was something that didn't fit:

Me.

I felt that fleeting perfection

but I never had a chance,

there was something missing:

Him.

If only he had loved me

I would have given him all of myself

Every last drop I would have wrung and squeezed out

for Him.

I don't want to think. Or cry. Or hate.

I just want to find oblivion in the arms of another.

And I will.

Be destroyed.

What sweet pain it will bring.

To fuck without deception

No false, cruel eye-gazing

or loving touches without love

Just raw, unfeeling, uncaring, oblivion.

The peddler

I suppose I may have been fishing.

Not ready for "I love you's" but baiting for an indication.

Whispered "I think I may be falling in love with you" as we lay.

But I do, I do love him. Well, have love for him.

Feel that welling inside.

The 'in love' may follow.

He didn't push away, but pulled me closer if anything.

He made his excuses -garbling, confused in my mind.

His actions undermining his words.

But.

There were words.

Strung together.

Lapsing, erroneous,

At times incomprehensible, perhaps.

But.

A message?

There, he held our future. I felt it keenly.

Flashbacks to loves of old.

A message I should heed?

But I can't.

I won't lie.

He isn't 'just another' for me.

But I can't be unrealistic, as for him I may well be.

But he's asked for time, time that will make a queen or a mockery of me.

Perhaps I am convenient?

Girlfriend-experience as they call it.

Bring me the fuck with meaning - the support when I need it.

Skip the integration and cohabitation.

I am strong.

But not nearly as hardened as he presumed

Still Achilles.

Still, a heart that doesn't break is no heart at all.

poker face

I hate this uncertainty

Visited upon me

But I am so, so

Transfixed

Waiting

To see your hand

Mindfuck

I want you deeply
Wholly
Within my head

Forty Fathoms

Absorbed

And when we kiss

Submit soft lip to lip

Absorb that vital charge

And waltz electric

Reel backwards, inwards, onwards

Heavy eyes, once opened

Succumb to mist

See in yours cloud lifting

blood bath

Deep Tarocco sanguine
Flowing steadily faucet-wise
On my back I watch my toes rise and curl
Raise my hips upon my palms and point
Up to a fleckled ceiling of swirling shadows
As the candles flicker as a whisper
escapes my lips:

"The night is only a sort of carbon paper,
Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars"

Half in smugness for recalling the line
But most because my muscles keel
Splayed, I sink into the lapping tides
Overflowed gushing crimson makes wet
And did you know the hands are barely visible
From the bottom that is,
And that the bubbles were uniform at best
but still made an adequate beard?

Dry

Cloaking dust
you land like
sweet silk shrouds
upon my
aching shoulders

Light as death
carry me
star-bound
on high
and release

Superunleaded

I'm going to fill myself up

Superheaded

The Agency (Weird Dreams III)

I am turned
Oh so easily
By the flutes and the petit-fours
And the grandiose staircase swirling
Here, to the higher ground.
Exquisite, the genteel flow into us
Diaspora, Diplomat, Distingue
Basking in soft-focus as the petticoats rotate

Carousel

I am turned
Oh so easily
That I barely notice her take to the stage
Floating ethereal, so delicate she is almost transparent,
"The Agency is delighted to welcome..."
And her voice melds into the fray
No matter,
I shall find a new, nubile siren to carry me away.

But I turned
Oh so quickly
As the smack of a shot slapped the wall.
Stock-still she stood,
Propped rigid against the baby grand.
Her mouth just parted, when she saw the blood
But what a pretty picture she made when lit from above:
Fingers splayed across her breast,
A milky gown turned ruby-red
And rosebud lips gave way to great crimson tides.

Pint-sized

I feel enveloped
Tart and wretched
Such greatness came
So unexpected

Atlas

Cast from the world of men
Atlas stands
A Titan fallen
One hand to the dust that bore him,
One to the castrated sky that wounded withdrew

Atlas buckled, onwards stands

Impeding earth's embrace

Cracked

You watch me

In the strip light
Giving me your best impression of
The Glad Eye

Unknowing,

But even then I heard
The filament rattle, rattling
in dead eyes

Later.
Pausing, Shielding
Eyes locked skywards,
Searching out a dying star

Buzzard prowl and swarm me
You grip too tight
Flecked bruises bear love
All voltage, no light

In clawed clutches I wake
The beast now

Swiftly to the fore
Where vicious hearts remain

Steady lion, you
Draping the chair
In velutinous sovereignty you sit
Stock still, stony stare'd

My faded lover Goodbye.
Leaving, it cracks,
The yolk runs red,
Seeping slowly earthbound.

The birthing

This week I will begin again
The polarity never helped me none

The great love, the great love
Carried as much hot air as it done

But all implosions asideWe live as we wish to die
All needless expulsions subsidelike the quiet after the porn

woozy

remind me to never
compose when I'm leathered
the efforts thus far
have been piss-poor I'm sure

unfaithful

My sweet there are girls dearer
this much is becoming clearer
when she cries you will not hear her
as you're lying here with me

Lull

Dark cloud
but no guilt therein
Only lulling precipitate
clinging to a precipice
waiting to be absolved

Esther Rantzen

Haunched like a back-break piston
Flying through a viscid plume
Billow'd from a crone's cigar
Wailing triumphant "Here is where.
Let no one say I wasn't a gracious chap"

Esther, eyes ablazing
Swoops upon a mousey hound
Gnarled head sits high in fist
But the body limp furred sacking
"I know what has feasted" she crows

And a great she-wolf seeps out
From dark Gretel forests,
Squired by Waterbabies,
Porcelain in quietus.
Sneered smile creeps from
Punctured lips