And then he came to me
Looking like nothing on earth
And everything changed
Cleansed, baptised,
Ready for a new day

Lost.

I lost him today.

The third goodbye endured

This more final than those before.

Holding each other at Bethnal Green

He topped up two fifty to watch me keel

From under him, as my legs numbed;

To stand locked in embrace, exchanging bullshit "I love you"s

Stealing tender kisses, pulling each other closer and closer still

Only to turn and walk away

I couldn't say Goodbye

Losing

Like cutting off a piece of me,

It's going to break my heart.

It's going to break his heart.

Our love burns slowly, tenderly, deeply.

I ache and clarity absconds somehow

The deeper felt, the further gone, the more to lose.

But this is not what good love feels like

It doesn't stand correct and redeeming

It doesn't rise from slurried remains, phoenix-like

This love is jutting, unkempt,

Perilous

and yet so true.

Inhaling deep in the crook of his neck -

In my heart I am home;

In my heart I am not.

He moves with me

But nothing is resolved

He buries his head

Stagnation abounds.

He will not give me what I want,

Yet he can not let me go.

My heart breaks open, red raw.

Wreckage

He is taking time to 'think'

I asked him to

I already know what he will say

It will not be good.

I'm being strong, methodical

DO NOT CRY

I write in caps on my hand.

And I don't.

And as my heart shatters in to a thousand shards

I keep smiling

He said he couldn't put his finger on it

Everything was perfect

But there was something that didn't fit:

Me.

I felt that fleeting perfection

but I never had a chance,

there was something missing:

Him.

If only he had loved me

I would have given him all of myself

Every last drop I would have wrung and squeezed out

for Him.

I don't want to think. Or cry. Or hate.

I just want to find oblivion in the arms of another.

And I will.

Be destroyed.

What sweet pain it will bring.

To fuck without deception

No false, cruel eye-gazing

or loving touches without love

Just raw, unfeeling, uncaring, oblivion.

The peddler

I suppose I may have been fishing.

Not ready for "I love you's" but baiting for an indication.

Whispered "I think I may be falling in love with you" as we lay.

But I do, I do love him. Well, have love for him.

Feel that welling inside.

The 'in love' may follow.

He didn't push away, but pulled me closer if anything.

He made his excuses -garbling, confused in my mind.

His actions undermining his words.

But.

There were words.

Strung together.

Lapsing, erroneous,

At times incomprehensible, perhaps.

But.

A message?

There, he held our future. I felt it keenly.

Flashbacks to loves of old.

A message I should heed?

But I can't.

I won't lie.

He isn't 'just another' for me.

But I can't be unrealistic, as for him I may well be.

But he's asked for time, time that will make a queen or a mockery of me.

Perhaps I am convenient?

Girlfriend-experience as they call it.

Bring me the fuck with meaning - the support when I need it.

Skip the integration and cohabitation.

I am strong.

But not nearly as hardened as he presumed

Still Achilles.

Still, a heart that doesn't break is no heart at all.

poker face

I hate this uncertainty

Visited upon me

But I am so, so

Transfixed

Waiting

To see your hand